Listen Up, Fuckers.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.  That's what you're about to read.  But, in it, there are good things for beginners.  So, read it or pass it along:

Dear Actors:

I know that you may learn the same tenets in any number of acting books.  You'll commonly see the same tips, even.  How many times have you seen that acting is all about reacting, about listening?  The problem is- no matter how many times you read it, you don't get it until you GET it.  You still may not get it after reading this, but you'll see it involves more than just your ears.

I recently had (by had, I mean I created for myself) the opportunity to exec produce a small project.  My entire cast and crew numbered just over 20 people.  Nothing major, but here is what I learned in the process:

• Don't bother the producer.  By bother, I mean talk with at all.  I'm only partly kidding.  The producer of any project has A SHIT TON of things on their mind.  Some turkey quit, some jackass will be late (see below), the director is drunk, an actor needs attention, etc.  The best way to be helpful is to be early, be quiet, and be prepared.  (Read that last sentence a few times.  Let it marinate.)  (Read it again.  Really.)
• No one gives a shit if you're late.  And if you're late, shut up.  Traffic, whatever.  Shit happens.  We all try not to be late, but sometimes it's inevitable.  That being said, if you're an actor, if you're 5 min late or less, please don't fucking text me (or your producer, you know).  Odds are, they won't get the text until after the fact and will ignore it anyway.  If anyone notices, apologize sincerely to them, and don't mention it again.  Ever.  To anyone.)  Either way, it's more important that you show up and do your job.  Perfectly.  
• Once again, shut up.  The people that are most likely to be hired again show up early, work silently, remain calm, and are cool in real life.  Cracking jokes on set doesn't mean you're cool in real life.  It makes you obnoxious.  When there are so many things that require the producer's attention, keeping quiet and unobtrusive will be the thing the producer notices.  Really.
• Follow directions.  If it's given to you by the director or producer, odds are, they're on the same page.  Take the note and go with it.  Example: I gave an actor a direction.  They said okay.  Then did EXACTLY what I told them not to do.  In every take.  Including coverage.  If you can imagine, I felt my skin peeling off in irritation, but I didn't readdress it because I had too much else to do.  You can bet that I noted it, though.  Now, in the midst of the crazy, I didn't get a chance to express my irritation with the director, however, we had previously discussed the problem with the line in the table read and the need for the change.  The director sat in on editing, and, guess what happened?  The line was edited (and drastically shortened).  Problem solved for us, but the actor's screen debut is all but erased, and that didn't have to happen.  Actors...  a longer line doesn't mean more screen time.  If you do a hack job, then the entire thing may be cropped out.  However minor the part you have is, BE.  FUCKING.  EXCELLENT.  And take the direction of the director or producer and DO IT.  It will be noted whether you do or don't.
• If no one gives you any direction, continue doing different things each take.  I don't mean different things with blocking.  Don't turn in a different direction or do something stupid.  What I'm trying to say- in a nice way is- do not give the same read every single time.  Don't get stuck sucking.  Even if you're terrible, if you do different things each time, we'll be able to use something.  From the business standpoint, it gives the editor/director options to work with in post.  From an artistic standpoint, it's more natural and it gives the actor you're working with something new to react to.  (Another way to avoid this is to take a class on voice for acting, which you should have done, anyway.)
• Producers hang on to their crew and keep a roster of actors.  They have the image in mind, and if you aren't hired on their next project, it's not because you suck.  They needed something different.  Unless, you sucked, then...  Shrug.  Keep at it and you'll suck less next time.  And they'll still keep you in mind.

For crew:

• You're expendable.  Regardless of how good you are, or think you are, you are completely expendable.  Maybe this isn't coming across bitchy enough.  YOU.  ARE.  EXPENDABLE.  And if you think there will be other opportunities, I'm sure there will be.  Just, probably not with the person that now finds you expendable.  You may become expendable in any number of ways (continue reading), but the number one way to be expendable is to be unavailable.  If you can't work this time, I'm going to assume working isn't your priority, and I'd rather work with someone that has the same priority as I do.
• If anyone asks anything of you, do it without having to be reminded.  Follow directions, GPS where you're going, and shut your mouth.  I don't care what hoops you jumped through, but I'll appreciate it when I find out coincidentally.  Which I will.  Guaranteed.

When it comes to being on set, any attention is BAD attention.  Be a cog and help the machine run smoothly.